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A PIE-rate I Shall Be

Another Pi Day (3/14, if you're too square to know) has come and gone, and with it this blog's birthday. As is tradition, we're going to batter you pie jokes like it's graduation day at clown college! Given our love of the ancient (if questionably-honorable) profession of piracy, it's a bit of a sur-pies we haven't been filling up these posts with pie-rate jokes, but we've been known to be a bit flaky at times. Not wanting anything to come out underdone or half-baked, get ready to break off a peg-leg and roll some dough for our fourth annual Pi-naversarry post!  - B

PIErate's Curse - Trouble's a-bakin' aboard the badde ship Golden Cruste. The crew has been cut down the middle: one slice longing for meat pies, the other for fruit. With limited ingredients and the ever-present threats of scurvy and mutiny, the captain must carefully measure a course around desserted islands and torte-uous seas, keeping his crew from overheating and staying one step ahead of the British Navy, eager to put him on the rack!

Captain Custard - As a kid, Van Custard lived in upper crust society. Then his parents fell on hard times. Taking to the sea as a cabin boy and egged on by his crewmates, it didn't take long for him to  flour and rise to cream of the crop, eventually becoming the big cheese. Would he be able to milk the seas of enough profit to win the heart of the saucy maiden Éclair? Only time would tell.

Quartermaster Cutter - Every captain kneads a right hand. Someone who can rise to the challenges of leading a ship, but still blend in with the crew. Cutter molds the team and forms them into a real pirates. At yeast with Cutter around, Captain Custard can rest assured he’ll get the real scoop and not just be buttered up.

Pilot Beurre - When you’re leaven yer port, Pilot Beurre should always be around to steer. This salt of the earth wheel-woman folds well into any crew. Not only that, but she’ll extract the most speed you’ve ever seen from a ship and whisk you out of danger, even when yer in the thick of it.

Deck-hand(pie) Flaky - Some think him savory, but at his core this pie-rate is as sweet as an apple. When he isn’t pan-dering to the whims of the crew, you’ll catch him lugging around the black (baking) powder for the gunners.

Carpenter Scald - Scald never rested on his laurels as a kid. Always poking into one thing or another, he never loafed about. This germinated skills as a barber, carpenter and doctor. He may not score points for his age, but his experience will gel well with any ship’s crew.

Will our confectionery corsairs find themselves cooked, or will they pull themselves out of  the fire before their timer is up? If you run any kind of game involving these crusty ideas, be sure to tell us about it at or Tweet them @neversaydice2... at least until Twitter finally gets from the tallest y'arr-darm!

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