A PIE-rate I Shall Be

Another Pi Day (3/14, if you're too square to know) has come and gone, and with it this blog's birthday. As is tradition, we're going to batter you pie jokes like it's graduation day at clown college! Given our love of the ancient (if questionably-honorable) profession of piracy, it's a bit of a sur-pies we haven't been filling up these posts with pie-rate jokes, but we've been known to be a bit flaky at times. Not wanting anything to come out underdone or half-baked, get ready to break off a peg-leg and roll some dough for our fourth annual Pi-naversarry post! - B

PIErate's Curse - Trouble's a-bakin' aboard the badde ship Golden Cruste. The crew has been cut down the middle: one slice longing for meat pies, the other for fruit. With limited ingredients and the ever-present threats of scurvy and mutiny, the captain must carefully measure a course around desserted islands and torte-uous seas, keeping his crew from overheating and staying one step ahead of the British Navy, eager to put him on the rack!

Captain Custard - As a kid, Van Custard lived in upper crust society. Then his parents fell on hard times. Taking to the sea as a cabin boy and egged on by his crewmates, it didn't take long for him to flour and rise to cream of the crop, eventually becoming the big cheese. Would he be able to milk the seas of enough profit to win the heart of the saucy maiden Éclair? Only time would tell.

Quartermaster Cutter - Every captain kneads a right hand. Someone who can rise to the challenges of leading a ship, but still blend in with the crew. Cutter molds the team and forms them into a real pirates. At yeast with Cutter around, Captain Custard can rest assured he’ll get the real scoop and not just be buttered up.

Pilot Beurre - When you’re leaven yer port, Pilot Beurre should always be around to steer. This salt of the earth wheel-woman folds well into any crew. Not only that, but she’ll extract the most speed you’ve ever seen from a ship and whisk you out of danger, even when yer in the thick of it.

Deck-hand(pie) Flaky - Some think him savory, but at his core this pie-rate is as sweet as an apple. When he isn’t pan-dering to the whims of the crew, you’ll catch him lugging around the black (baking) powder for the gunners.

Carpenter Scald - Scald never rested on his laurels as a kid. Always poking into one thing or another, he never loafed about. This germinated skills as a barber, carpenter and doctor. He may not score points for his age, but his experience will gel well with any ship’s crew.

Will our confectionery corsairs find themselves cooked, or will they pull themselves out of the fire before their timer is up? If you run any kind of game involving these crusty ideas, be sure to tell us about it at neversaydice20@gmail.com or Tweet them @neversaydice2... at least until Twitter finally gets from the tallest y'arr-darm!

The Weather Stone

If the rock is wet, it's raining. If the rock is swinging, the wind is blowing. If the rock casts a shadow, the sun is shining. If the rock does not cast a shadow and is not wet, the sky is cloudy. If the rock is difficult to see, it is foggy. If the rock is white, it is snowing. If the rock is coated with ice, there is a frost. If the ice is thick, it's a heavy frost. If the rock is bouncing, there is an earthquake. If the rock is under water, there is a flood. If the rock is warm, it is sunny. If the rock is missing, there was a tornado (or the Rogue stole it). If the rock is wet and swinging violently, there is a hurricane. If the rock can be felt but not seen, it is night time. If the rock has white splats on it, watch out for birds. If there are two rocks, stop drinking, you are drunk. If the rock is glowing, get to a fallout shelter. Weather Stones have been "prognosticating" the current conditions for as long as…well, probably as long as there have been rocks. ...

Devouring "Roll for Sandwich"

Good timezone to Never Say Dice fans, adventures in Aardia, TikTok and beyond. No, I’m not the Roll for Sandwich guy (neither of us is), but if you haven’t heard of him already (or especially if you have), this week I wanted to talk about the TikTok/YouTube show Roll for Sandwich hosted by Jacob Pauwels. The premise is exactly what it sounds like: every episode, the host rolls dice to determine the various items that comprise a sandwich (except when the episode is about s’mores). He assembles the sandwich, then actually eats and critiques his random creation. If it sounds pretty niche to you... it is. You should probably be both a bit of a foodie and a TTRPG fan in order to truly appreciate both the strange layered creations and the roleplaying references. My eldest son has been so interested in the web series that he decided he wanted to try doing it for himself. So, for the last week of summer this year, we took stock of our cupboards, made our own charts, and proceeded to con...

Peasant Railgun

Peasants are the common commoner amongst the NPCs of many a tabletop role playing game. It doesn’t matter the setting, there's going to be a variety of "common" NPC that's peasant-like in some way. The subject of peasants has come up in my Dungeons and Dragons gaming group once again as the Peasant Railgun meme makes its way through the internet once again. A crazy idea that's been around for many years. Not sure what we’re talking about? The concept goes something like this: we find a big bad target, line up a group of 2,280 peasants all in a row over the distance of two miles, have them all ready their action, and then have them pass an object (usually a spear) down the line over the course of a six-second round, until it reaches the last person in line who throws the ammo at the target - gaining "velocity damage" based on falling object damage, and dealing somewhere near 400d6 worth of damage. If this idea sounds ridiculous to you, and you’re a reg...

An Introduction to Risus

While roaming the internet in the late nineties/early noughties, I came across a TTRPG that was rules-lite and called itself “the anything RPG.” Want to play a high school cheerleader/samurai-in-training part-time goth enthusiast fast food cashier? The hot pink stick figure art glared back at me. Nah, not interested. But I was wrong. The stick figures were actually purple, and Risus is a surprisingly versatile, handy and down right fun TTRPG. I wouldn’t figure that out though till I discovered it again several years later. Even though it was written as a comedy system (and somewhat lighthearted response to GURPS) you really can use it for just about anything: space opera, high fantasy, pulp, vampires,western, any movie setting you could think of...seriously anything. You can read a far more detailed and interesting history in a number of other places should it strike your fancy. It is time for your Risus indoctrination introduction. Risus really is versatile and fairly easy to learn...

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