A PIE-rate I Shall Be

Another Pi Day (3/14, if you're too square to know) has come and gone, and with it this blog's birthday. As is tradition, we're going to batter you pie jokes like it's graduation day at clown college! Given our love of the ancient (if questionably-honorable) profession of piracy, it's a bit of a sur-pies we haven't been filling up these posts with pie-rate jokes, but we've been known to be a bit flaky at times. Not wanting anything to come out underdone or half-baked, get ready to break off a peg-leg and roll some dough for our fourth annual Pi-naversarry post! - B

PIErate's Curse - Trouble's a-bakin' aboard the badde ship Golden Cruste. The crew has been cut down the middle: one slice longing for meat pies, the other for fruit. With limited ingredients and the ever-present threats of scurvy and mutiny, the captain must carefully measure a course around desserted islands and torte-uous seas, keeping his crew from overheating and staying one step ahead of the British Navy, eager to put him on the rack!

Captain Custard - As a kid, Van Custard lived in upper crust society. Then his parents fell on hard times. Taking to the sea as a cabin boy and egged on by his crewmates, it didn't take long for him to flour and rise to cream of the crop, eventually becoming the big cheese. Would he be able to milk the seas of enough profit to win the heart of the saucy maiden Éclair? Only time would tell.

Quartermaster Cutter - Every captain kneads a right hand. Someone who can rise to the challenges of leading a ship, but still blend in with the crew. Cutter molds the team and forms them into a real pirates. At yeast with Cutter around, Captain Custard can rest assured he’ll get the real scoop and not just be buttered up.

Pilot Beurre - When you’re leaven yer port, Pilot Beurre should always be around to steer. This salt of the earth wheel-woman folds well into any crew. Not only that, but she’ll extract the most speed you’ve ever seen from a ship and whisk you out of danger, even when yer in the thick of it.

Deck-hand(pie) Flaky - Some think him savory, but at his core this pie-rate is as sweet as an apple. When he isn’t pan-dering to the whims of the crew, you’ll catch him lugging around the black (baking) powder for the gunners.

Carpenter Scald - Scald never rested on his laurels as a kid. Always poking into one thing or another, he never loafed about. This germinated skills as a barber, carpenter and doctor. He may not score points for his age, but his experience will gel well with any ship’s crew.

Will our confectionery corsairs find themselves cooked, or will they pull themselves out of the fire before their timer is up? If you run any kind of game involving these crusty ideas, be sure to tell us about it at neversaydice20@gmail.com or Tweet them @neversaydice2... at least until Twitter finally gets from the tallest y'arr-darm!

Devouring "Roll for Sandwich"

Good timezone to Never Say Dice fans, adventures in Aardia, TikTok and beyond. No, I’m not the Roll for Sandwich guy (neither of us is), but if you haven’t heard of him already (or especially if you have), this week I wanted to talk about the TikTok/YouTube show Roll for Sandwich hosted by Jacob Pauwels. The premise is exactly what it sounds like: every episode, the host rolls dice to determine the various items that comprise a sandwich (except when the episode is about s’mores). He assembles the sandwich, then actually eats and critiques his random creation. If it sounds pretty niche to you... it is. You should probably be both a bit of a foodie and a TTRPG fan in order to truly appreciate both the strange layered creations and the roleplaying references. My eldest son has been so interested in the web series that he decided he wanted to try doing it for himself. So, for the last week of summer this year, we took stock of our cupboards, made our own charts, and proceeded to consume

An Introduction to Risus

While roaming the internet in the late nineties/early noughties, I came across a TTRPG that was rules-lite and called itself “the anything RPG.” Want to play a high school cheerleader/samurai-in-training part-time goth enthusiast fast food cashier? The hot pink stick figure art glared back at me. Nah, not interested. But I was wrong. The stick figures were actually purple, and Risus is a surprisingly versatile, handy and down right fun TTRPG. I wouldn’t figure that out though till I discovered it again several years later. Even though it was written as a comedy system (and somewhat lighthearted response to GURPS) you really can use it for just about anything: space opera, high fantasy, pulp, vampires,western, any movie setting you could think of...seriously anything. You can read a far more detailed and interesting history in a number of other places should it strike your fancy. It is time for your Risus indoctrination introduction. Risus really is versatile and fairly easy to learn

The Weather Stone

If the rock is wet, it's raining. If the rock is swinging, the wind is blowing. If the rock casts a shadow, the sun is shining. If the rock does not cast a shadow and is not wet, the sky is cloudy. If the rock is difficult to see, it is foggy. If the rock is white, it is snowing. If the rock is coated with ice, there is a frost. If the ice is thick, it's a heavy frost. If the rock is bouncing, there is an earthquake. If the rock is under water, there is a flood. If the rock is warm, it is sunny. If the rock is missing, there was a tornado (or the Rogue stole it). If the rock is wet and swinging violently, there is a hurricane. If the rock can be felt but not seen, it is night time. If the rock has white splats on it, watch out for birds. If there are two rocks, stop drinking, you are drunk. If the rock is glowing, get to a fallout shelter. Weather Stones have been "prognosticating" the current conditions for as long as…well, probably as long as there have been rocks.

Willy Wonka - Cartoonish Supervillian or Time Lord?

Every spring, in at least some of the religions practiced in the States, brings yet another holiday full of varied confections: Easter. For some reason, perhaps it’s the candy content or the garish colors associated with the holiday here, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory seems to be the movie that most often comes to my mind. While there are other pieces of media that are more “classically Easter” entries, Willy Wonka just seems to belong here. Perhaps there’s something to those giant eggs, as well. Whatever the reason, it’s in our common consciousness around this time of year, and that has had me thinking about a couple of common internet theories. One common thought is that the titular character Willy Wonka is an incarnation of Doctor Who ’s (only semi-titular) protagonist, the Doctor. The other would have you believe that Willy Wonka is a cartoonish supervillian originating in the DC universe, most likely one of Batman’s adversaries. For this post, let’s go over the arg

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