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Them Bones

Undead are a common foe (and sometimes companion) in many a game of Dungeons and Dragons. Sometimes the idiocy of memes make us wish we were dead. One Dungeons and Dragons-related meme floated through my  gaming group this week, and, as you might have guessed, it involved the undead. The meme goes a little something like this: 

DM: You have been granted a wish.
Cleric: I wish for the power to animate skeletons.
DM: You know what? Okay. 
[3 sessions later] 
Cleric: I animate the bugbear’s skeleton.
DM: They’re…they're not dead yet.
Cleric: That wasn’t the wish. 
[DM realizing what they’ve done, cue picture of shocked James Harden]

Of course, one could easily sub in Surprised Shaq, Shocked Pikachu, or one of any number of "surprised" memes. Or, maybe... you just... don’t? Welcome to a little post series that I like to call "Never Say Dice Ruins Your TTRPG Memes." You may last recall this from our earlier post Divine Bovine. Could the situation presented in this meme actually work? Should we pepper this mini-story all over the internet, complete with various surprise pictures? (I vote Pikachu, unless someone has a more D&D-appropriate image.) Let's review the facts and see what we come up with.

Animated

The “power” mentioned in the meme-wish was called "Animate Skeleton." It is possible this Dungeons and Dragons meme is just making it to the Never Say Dice newsdesks, but I don’t think this has been called Animate Skeleton in a long time - or maybe ever, unless you’re considering third-party sources. The established spell they're likely trying to referenced is "Animate Dead." Using a wish for the ability to cast Animate Dead at will? That doesn’t necessarily seem like the poorest choice or most unlikely request from a player. There are still issues, though. Looking back to 3rd/3.5 editions, Animate Dead must have a target of "one or more corpses touched." We’re probably not playing 3rd/3.5, though, statistically, we're most likely to be talking about a 5th edition game. While the range is now "10 feet away" instead of "touch," the target is still only a pile of bones or the corpse of a medium to small humanoid within range. Done story, eh? It just won’t work, but wait - there’s more!

One could argue that a bugbear, at least a very thin one, is just a "bag of bones." Although the "bag" is their skin, and also contains sinew as well as other various bits and bobs. Are we all not just bags of bones,then? And, if that bag were prone on the ground, would that not then be a "pile of bones..." prone bones though they may be? If we’re looking at similar rules when used against foes, though, modifying such a spell to target living creatures  (one currently being considered a pile/bag of bones), that creature would have some sort of save against the attack. Succeed the save and the spell fails, likely with the follow-up ruling that it can’t be tried again on that target for a certain time period.

As you wish

So it could work? Well, a "wish" in D&D is a funny thing. The rules for a wish spell in 5th edition leave a lot of the possibilities open to the interpretation of the DM. The actual request presented in the meme says nothing about "at will," and we’ve been making that presumption up to this point. It's possible a DM might allow it to happen, just once, and then they never again. Or, not unlike some sort of mad monkey’s paw or jerk genie, perhaps they grant this power to the character... and every other character in the game world - player characters and NPCs alike. Perhaps the player does indeed get their wish as desired... and then the DM turns that player into the Big Bad Evil Guy of the next session/adventure/campaign. Before you make this wish, or any others like it, consider the implications of it being successful. What permission are you about to give your DM to wreak havoc?

One player in our weekly game did present a possible request: to have the wish be that the spell target is changed just for that one person. This is a much more reasonable request. Of course, you’d still have to make sure that spell was available to your character, manage those spell slots, and all those rules around saves and other limitations from earlier would still probably be imposed. At the point in a game where we’re contemplating wishes, most likely from the wish spell, what character (or player) really wants to go through all that? We’re talking a 9th level spell only available to Sorcerers and Wizards. That's 17th level before you even have access, and unless you’re a Wizard or multiclassed, there's a chance you wouldn’t even have Animate Dead. When we’re at that high a level, there are already plenty of good ways to kill (or take over) your foes. Better to set your sites on something more straightforwardly enjoyable.

So really, would it work? Maybe. Maybe just one time. Maybe not at all. A note to players though: don’t do this. Don’t try to "get one over" on your DM. As much as it may seem like it at times, this isn’t a DM versus player game. It's team storytelling. Surprise your other team members if you like, but go talk to your DM privately. Tell them what you’re looking at doing, or what you would like to see happen, and they’ll help you figure out if it can work. It's going to save some frustration and heartache on both sides. So until next week, rest your bones, screw your memes, and enjoy your tables 

-A

Send questions, comments, and oldie-tyme skeleton cartoons to neversaydice20@gmail.com or Tweet us @nevesaydice2.

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