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Gimme a Hand?!

Hamb-murder helper?!
Tabletop roleplaying games are all full of helpful hands, particularly in Dungeons & Dragons. You and your teammates are always helping each other - there's even a "help" action. There are quite a number of hand-y spells such as Chill Touch, Shocking Grasp, Maximilian’s Earthen Grasp, and Vampiric Touch. You even have spells with the word "hand" in them like Burning Hands and Bigby’s Hand. Today, though, we’re specifically focused on one hand in particular. A simple cantrip, but a favorite of many spellcasters, and extremely useful. We’re talking about Mage Hand. While we could expound upon the multiple uses of this utility spell, and maybe we shall eventually, today we’re going to focus on a meme. That’s right, this is another edition of Never Say Dice Ruins Your (shitty) TTRPG Memes. You can see our previous work regarding the Peasant Rail Gun,  animating skeletons and the Divine Bovine earlier in this series. The set up this time is rather simple: you cast Mage Hand inside (yes, we said "inside") of the BBEG (or even just a simple guard) and squeeze their heart with all of the force your magical assistant appendage can muster - thereby giving said target a heart attack and killing them outright! Or at least giving them some distracting palpitations? Minor heartburn and indigestion? It certainly sounds completely ridiculous for a cantrip spell, but why wouldn’t it work? Could it work? We’ll take the job of taking this hand down and get to the heart of the matter in this week’s post. Before we begin, it should be noted that we’re basing this review completely on D&D’s 5.0 rules.

Talk to the Hand

Some credit does have to be given about this meme's set-up. The spell description does indeed say that you can create a mage hand at a point within range (of 30 feet, assuming one is not using some sort of feat or metamagic to extend the range) How that works, exactly, is a mystery. Say you’re casting it behind a closed door or wall, and can't see what's on the other side - how would you know what you’re doing with it? Perhaps we need to rethink the the Mage Hand concept. Perhaps there is an eye on the palm... a face? Eyes on the fingertips? Do we have a Vampire Hunter D situation here? Digressions of how the spell might look aside, we can agree that casting this spell somewhere you can’t see is entirely possible, however it works. The big issue, really, is that the spell is fairly specific in what you actually can and can’t do with it. You can manipulate an object, open an unlocked door or container, stow or retrieve an item from an open container, or pour out the contents of a vial. You specifically cannot attack, activate magic items, or carry more than 10 pounds. How you can see what you’re manipulating is still a question, but the argument really becomes: is squeezing someone’s heart to give them a heart attack and kill them an attack? That really shouldn’t be an argument though, "attack" is right in the name. Heart Attack. Attack. You can’t attack with it. Even if you could, Mage Hand (again, unless you’re using some sort of feat or metamagic) takes an action to cast as well as an action to control - you’d have to at least give up on controlling it in the first round it's in the person, and assume they, say... don’t walk away from it. That sounds pretty unlikely. Perhaps these memes are just rage or engagement bait designed to give us all heart attacks? To calm your nerves, though, this simply does not work.

Thank you, Thing!
Hand it over

But can we make it work? We can give in on casting it and controlling it the same round. We’re giving in on being able to manipulate something you can’t see. Why not, it's magic after all. What about the "attack" portion, though? Certainly, opening a vial of acid above an opponent’s head stretches the imagination of what is and isn’t considered an attack. Were it the heart of. say a Lich, pulled off a ceremonial table, lifted high in the air by a Mage Hand, then dropped into a fire, we could consider that a possible creative use of the spell. So, perhaps we can give in after all on the "attack" argument. We’re not actually trying to do damage with the spell... just kill outright with it. You’re probably going to want to put a saving throw on this, at the very least, probably something like Con save 12. The question, as is often the case with these memes, remains: do you really want this? Have you thought about it? Do you really want to give the opposition's mages a chance to kill your party members in their sleep from 30 (or potentially more) yards away with a simple cantrip? This is going to wind up with PCs dying way more often that you'd probably like. So give yourself a helping hand, and leave this one as it is.

There are tons of great uses for mage hand, though. Stand 30 feet back when opening that unlocked door that might have a trap on it. Have your ethereal appendage hold the other end of that trip wire. Drop that vial of acid. Take that key off the jail’s hook. Pull that lightsaber out of the snow and into your hand. (Come on, this really is similar to the Force here*.) Plant some evidence. Pass a note. There are plenty of things you can do... be creative with it, and don’t try to add game breaking mechanics that stop characters' hearts. While you’re being creative, please, give Never Say Dice a hand and send your terrible gaming memes our way. We really do enjoy slapping them around. Until next week folks, enjoy your dice and your tables!

 - A

* The first edition of West End's Star Wars includes a Force Power called "Telekinetic Kill" and specifically references using it to squeeze a victim's heart as an alternative to Darth Vader's favorite trachea-crushing party trick. Just thought I'd mention that. - B

Send questions, comments, and terrifying tales of magical games of "pattycake" gone wrong to neversaydice20@gmail.com or tweet us @neversaydice2. 

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